People are sometimes confused when they learn that I’m an introvert. I understand because the thing is, I’m not particularly shy. Sometimes I even feel really “on” and chatty and can seamlessly flow from funny quibble to quippish anecdote like nobody’s business(*1), but afterwords I’m exhausted and then suffer a crisis over my vacillating authenticity and temperamental bravado which is followed by a pretty dark and weird tormented internal monologue that goes something like this:
“WHOOOOO AMMMM IIIIII????”
Maybe I’m an ambi-vert.
A lot of you are familiar with my present temporary roommate
Kady of A Lady Reveals Nothing and perhaps you and I even share her in common as our most extroverted friend or even
the most extroverted human we know(*2).
Regarding Kady, things like this really impress me:
- She’s sitting next to me on the couch interacting with me while simultaneously chatting with three friends online and texting two half-strangers on her phone
- When she makes a phone call, she doesn’t chant, “please don’t pick up please don’t pick up” over and over under her breathe
- She smiles and waves at every single stranger we encounter,especially if they speak English
- The girl can talk. Someone once asked her, “Do you ever think anything you don’t say?”
(it wasn’t me)
I on the other hand view our carpool commute to work as a social activity. On top of that, I keep accidentally saying really mean things to her. Just two days into living and working together I said, “Man, we really need to be sure and schedule time apart.” See, I assume she needs her alone time as much as me so this is what I meant to say: “Kady,
-
- we live together
- we work together
- we commute to work together
- we work out together
- we know the same people
- we cook and eat together
and I want to make sure that whenever possible I make myself scarce so you don’t start hating me.”
My statement was about taking preventative measures to stay friends. But after it came out of my mouth I realized it sounded a lot more like, “Gawwwd I’m sick of your face.”
This intro-awkwardness spills over into other categories of everyday life. For example, I really struggle with the act of talking on the phone. It doesn’t matter who you are or how much I love you; the entire interaction gives me anxiety. I’ve decided it’s mostly because I have no idea how the conversation is going to end AND because I over-analyze everything, I’m convinced you are rackingyour brain trying to find a polite way to get rid of me. I had come up with a solution in recent years to say, “I’m so sorry but I really really have to go to the bathroom,” (this is never a lie because as Kady will attest, I always have to go to the bathroom) but I made the mistake of telling people about this conversation-exit strategy and then some of my really good friends informed me that I’ve used that one on them.
The other day when I was sort of waiting on Kady so we could head out for a night on the town (which for this introvert meant changing out of sweatpants and getting a drink twenty steps from our doorstep), I asked her what she was doing. She said, “I’m sorry; I’m chatting with three different people but I’m wrapping it up.” I let out a deep sigh and said, “I’m so exhausted by what you just said I think I need to lie down.”
We then chatted about the differences between her extro and my intro and when she asked if she was annoying, I assured her that she was in no way ever doing anything wrong. But I couldn’t even say that in a non-mean way. In fact I said, ”You’ve done absolutely nothing to annoy me but I’m just so aware of your presence all the time.”
However, after reading all of this, it’s very important you know I have spent time on both sides of the “___version” fence; I’ve just been stuck over here on the “intro” side for a much longer period of time. And because my ambi-version obviously translates into me being an expert on the topic, I’ve accumulated some important information for both intros and extros. Read and benefit, my friends:
- Many extroverts at times experience guilt over their extroversion
- they may believe that they are perceived as obtuse, narcissistic, overbearing, or even unintelligent
- they may fear they make others uncomfortable with their gregarious or possibly domineering nature
- Many introverts at times experience guilt over their introversion
- they may believe that they are perceived as judgmental, snooty or even unintelligent
- they may fear they make others uncomfortable with their reserved nature
- Do not assume an extrovert is a confident person
- they may be painfully insecure or suffer from extremely low self-esteem
- they might envy the introvert’s air of mystery and apparent poise
- Do not interpret an introvert’s reticence as judgment or disdain
- they’re probably just letting it all sink in
- they may be painfully insecure or suffer from extremely low self-esteem
- they might even envy the extrovert’s apparent social ease
- Extroverts are often jealous of introverts’ personas
- Introverts are often jealous of extroverts’ personas
- Introverts are not necessarily smarter than you just because they don’t say stupid things
- Do not assume “what you see is what you get” when observing an extrovert
- There’s more to every story, dummy
And in conclusion, if you are an extrovert sharing space or a life with an introvert who needs some alone time, know that they are not necessarily sick ofyou; sometimes they’re just sick of not being alone.
And if you are an introvert, remember that no matter how earnest your intentions are, it always and only sounds really mean to say, “Wow this movie looks so good! You should go see it… tonight… by yourself… or right now…”
